“There’s a land–oh , it beckons and beckons, And I want to go back–and I will.” ~ Robert Service

In the Fall of 2010 I accepted a position as an addictions counselor in Nanaimo, British Columbia on Vancouver Island. And while Cindy and I decided to return to St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands I promised myself I would return to Canada one day to explore some of this country’s mountains and coastline. So my intention becomes my reality!

By this time you might have noticed that I try to connect my trail running/travel adventures with a topic which may or may not cause a person to pause for reflection and introspection. I try not to force a particular idea, but let it come to me by asking myself “What feelings are coming up for me as I experience this new environment?” For those of you who have not had a chance to visit our neighbors to the north let’s be clear…It’s not the United States! I confess that when I came here for the first time I had subconsciously felt this way and unknowingly was wondering why Canada seemed so “foreign” to me. Well, the simple answer is because it isn’t (the US) and it is (a foreign country to a US citizen)!

With this thought in mind the expression “My perception is my reality” seems like a topic worth exploring. It’s not exclusive to those of us in recovery that often we don’t always feel as though we “fit in”. But for the individual dealing with a substance use disorder our coping mechanism is mood altering when we feel this way. And just because we no longer physically drink alcohol, use drugs, gamble, eat, etc. doesn’t mean we automatically feel like we “fit in” now. So, for me it’s important to constantly ask myself “Why am I feeling this way?” “What about my current environment or events occurring around me are causing me discomfort?” My perception of these things skews my viewpoint and so my “reality”, as I see it, is formed. Keeping this in mind, I will now relate my latest experiences, as I perceive them, during my recent travels to Victoria, Tofino, Nanaimo and Whistler, BC Canada.

As I board the Black Ball Ferry in Port Angeles, WA to Victoria, BC my mind starts to race about what will happen when I  present myself to Canadian Customs. I reflect back to 2010 when Cindy and I came to this country to work. I was not aware of the fact that by having two prior arrests in the United States (a DUI in 1981 and another in 1990) I was not considered eligible to work in Canada. But after an in-depth interview with customs officials and considering the “humanitarian” nature of the work I was to be doing they let me in. Now, I was never detained at customs at the Vancouver International Airport during my prior two visits (one for the job interview and the second to find a place to live once offered the job), but having that uncomfortable experience when we showed up in Blaine, WA with two fully loaded U-Haul trailers and numerous animals I was anticipating the worst case scenario as I drove off the ferry in Victoria this time. My “reality” told me I was going to have to explain myself in great detail as to why I was coming back to Canada. The truth, which often differs from my “reality” was that the customs official was kind, professional and courteous towards me and wished me a pleasant and safe trip through Canada!

As my anxiety dissolved it was instantly replaced with a feeling of joy at the sight of my old friend Graham who I met while we both were living on St. John in the early 2000’s. He is now living in a beautiful suburb of Victoria and has graciously offered to meet me at the ferry terminal and has set me up with a campsite for the night. Graham has been an integral part of my life and his calm wisdom and quite courage have provided me with invaluable lessons, helping me enjoy a greater appreciation and joy for the world and all creatures, great and small living in it! I will always be grateful to him for reminding me of one of his favorite quotes, “The Power within me is far greater than any fear before me.” Thank you kind sir.

Tofino! I have heard so many favorable comments about this small surf oriented town located on the west coast of Vancouver Island that I thought “now is the time to visit!” And while I didn’t paddle out during my stay there (waves were mediocre at best) Friday and I throughly enjoyed running along the beaches and through the woods!

 

Running along the flat beaches and shaded footpaths in Tofino offered me (and my legs) a welcome break from the constant uphill/downhill trails I’ve been running for the past 70+ days. As I rested halfway through a 7 mile run one day I encountered a nice couple walking their 12 week old puppy and as it turned out (remember…no coincidences) the woman is a practicing family/youth addictions counselor. We discussed our similar views regarding this often misunderstood disease and I recommended the wonderful youth wilderness treatment programs available at Gray Wolf Ranch in Port Townsend, WA as a possible resource for her patients. I’m hoping I remembered her information correctly. I believe she worked with Coastal Family Resources in Tofino. By allowing myself to be open and honest with others about who I am and inviting them to tell me about their stories, my perception and reality is transformed into a positive experience.

However, I am prone to periods of melancholy and of feeling “less than” at times. So, as I leave Tofino and head for Nanaimo I find myself reflecting on my perceived failure as an addictions counselor while working in this small community in 2010-11. Here is a prime example of how my perception colors my reality. I met with a former colleague and still practicing counselor at Edgewood for dinner and we discuss my situation as it was then and now. There have been many days since that time when I felt I quit too soon. That I didn’t give myself a chance to work through the inevitable growing pains that are common to anyone entering into a new profession. Despite reassurances and a generous amount of support from my fellow workers, family and friends, I just could not see their “reality”. I could only see my truth in the situation, which was that I was barely keeping my head above water and was going to drowned at any minute! And so given the first opportunity to return to St. John and the comfort and safety I felt that community afforded me, I bailed. Now, with the help of hindsight and insight from others I respect and trust I can see that the “reality” lies somewhere in between. Thanks to my dear friend John (as well as several others over the years) during our dinner at the Crow and Gate that night, I was able to come to a place of acceptance that everything happens for a reason and the reality is that I am not a failure, but just a guy who attempted to do the best he could with the tools and skills he had at the time and ultimately everything has worked out better than expected!

The mountains are calling again and I am off to Whistler, BC! Arriving at Whistler RV Park and Campground I am greeted by a vanilla sky and snow-capped mountains. While only at an elevation of 2,000′ I can already tell I’m going to be dealing with snow on the trails.

My first attempted trail run is along the Wedgemount Lake Trail which is located north of the ski town of Whistler. As I arrive at a very remote and off the beaten path parking area I notice this sign posted on the outhouse.

With this in mind I strap on my bear bells and spray, lace up my shoes, check my hydration pack is full of water, food and safety equipment and hit the trail! The first mile is heavily wooded, narrow and relatively flat, but soon the switchbacks begin and the elevation gain becomes steep.

As I guessed snow greeted me at the higher elevations and I was forced to abandon my attempt to reach what I can only imagine must be a spectacular glacial lake. Next time perhaps.

The video below was my turn around point.

Returning to the parking area I managed to log a 5.5 mile trail hike/run (hiked up/ran down). With an elevation gain of 3,600′ in approximately a 3.3 mile trek (I came up about a 1/2 mile short of the summit) this proved to be both a tough challenge and a beautifully scenic course. A friend I worked with at Edgewood (who wishes to remain anonymous) asked me to dedicate my first trail run in Canada to The Edgewood Foundation. He has generously offered to make a considerable donation to this organization. Donations collected are used to assist patient’s seeking treatment, but who may not have the financial resources to cover the expenses. I am honored to run for such a noble cause and friend.

Saturday finds the campground filled with families and I’m feeling a bit “wonky” and I’m not exactly sure why. Again, my perception is my reality. I rarely understand in the moment why I’m feeling like I’m feeling, but through repeated practice of self-reflection I have gained a better ability to recognize what situations and/or emotions are causing me discomfort. Now, I am about to open up a door which I don’t necessarily want to go through. Oh well, here we go.

Having never had children and now being 55 years old, I will most likely never know what that experience feels like. To all of you (my family and close personal friends) who do understand and know what that feels like I hear you say “there is no greater feeling or love that one can know.” And believing this to be true without knowing for myself, leaves me feeling “incomplete”. It is something both Cindy and I have dealt with for several years now and as “reality” sets in we both struggle to avoid feelings of “less than” and not experiencing what so many others claim as the greatest experience of their lives. So, as I sit in camp watching all the kids running around laughing and playing while their parents sit around the campfires, I feel depressed. Where do I go from here? Well, I’ve tried the mood altering method of drinking, drugging, etc. and that didn’t work out so well. But wait! Remember? I have the power to change how I choose to react to my situation and the power to change my attitude! Aldous Huxley wrote “Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.” Armed with this knowledge, practicing acceptance for things as they are and allowing myself to appreciate all the wonderful people, places and things in my life opens me up to having a grateful and full heart. I am genuinely happy when I observe parents interacting with their children and while I may never know what that love feels like, I can certainly appreciate the pure joy I see them sharing together. Facing my feelings of being depressed, asking myself why I’m feeling this way, and honestly allowing those feelings to wash over me and pass brings me to a point of being pleased with who I am and for all the opportunities I have had and am having! Now let the Father’s Day celebrations begin!

The Helm Creek Trail begins in the parking lot for the Cheakamus Lake Trail and both begin on the same path for the first mile. Taking a right turn and crossing the Cheakamus River marks the start of another steep uphill ascent!

My goal is to reach the Helm Creek campground located approximately 5 miles up. But as the snow gets deeper and I pass two guys coming down through the woods (trail running no less) who are telling me they gave up trying to get to the lake, it quickly dawns on me that I might get stumped again. As I come to an opening in the forest overlooking a beautiful bend in the river below me, I realize that I have just hit the 5 mile mark in the run, and it occurs to me that perhaps this IS the Helm Creek campsite! It’s just buried under six feet of snow! I hydrate, eat an energy bar and appreciate this magical moment where I am alone in nature and would enjoy staying longer, but my hands are going numb from the cold and it’s time to head back down the trail. In loving memory of my father William C. Cunningham, Sr. and a cause he supported and devoted his time and energy to, I dedicate this 10+ mile trail run to him and The Meals on Wheels Association of America.

A line from a movie I recently watched states “You can never fully appreciate the sweet without tasting the bitter.” And this is how I choose to color my world, my “reality” my “perception”. I never can predict when, where or what circumstance will trigger a dark mood, but by facing it, acknowledging it, accepting it and moving into an attitude of gratitude for ALL the wonderful people, creatures, and spectacular nature I’ve been so fortunate to experience, I can taste the sweetness of this life I live today!

HAPPY TRAILS!!